How to raise efficiency !!!



Dear STAFF ,

Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to
raise the efficiency of our firm.
___________________________________________________________________________

TRANSPORTATION :
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your
salary.
a) If we see you driving a Honda or Toyota , we assume you are doing well
financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
b) If you drive a 10 year old Proton car or taking public transportation, we
assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.
c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.

ANNUAL LEAVE :
Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow!said 1
employee).
- They are called SUNDAYs .

LUNCH BREAK :
a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so
that they can look healthy.
b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.
c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed
to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS :
We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.
- If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

TOILET USE :
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.
a) There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles.
b) At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper
roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.
c) After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
d) Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise money
to pay your salary.

SURGERY :
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.
- You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
- To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

INTERNET USAGE :
All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted
from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges
will be deducted from your salary.
- Important Note : Charges applicable as 20 sen per minute as we
have 4MB connection.
Just for information, 73% of staff willnot be entitled to any salary for
next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months
salary.






Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Best regards ,
HRD

 

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I 've learned


I've learned-
that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned-
that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I've learned-
that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned-
that you can keep going long after you can't.

I've learned-
that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I've learned-
that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I've learned-
that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I've learned-
that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I've learned-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned-
that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I've learned-
that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned-
that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned-
that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I've learned-
that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned-
that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.


I've learned-
that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned-
that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned-
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned-
that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned-
that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I've learned-
that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret.It could change your life forever.

I've learned-
that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I've learned-
that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I've learned-
that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I've learned-
that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I've learned-
that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

 

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Medical Certificate of the future

Doctor Certified

Certified that Mr./Miss _________________ , working in your organization,
is suffering from 'time-bound' illness. Due to this, he/she will NOT be able to work
more than 8 hours a day and 5 days a week. Any attempt to stretch beyond this
timing will lead to severe health problems. The losses to the company due to medical
reimbursements will be far more compared to the gains made by stretching beyond 8 hours.

It is also warned to keep my patient away from any kind of shocking news such as
"Come over weekend..", "Let's work on holiday..", "Leave cannot be granted.." etc.
which can directly lead to heart strokes.

In view of the above, it is strongly recommended to adjust your deadlines in
accordance with the convenience of my patient.

Sd/-

Dr. Impatient

 

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Life cycle


The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.

I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get
in the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus?

I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out of the way.
You wake up in a an old age home, feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension,
then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous (hey,
you've only got a few years left, what's the big deal?!?) and you get
ready for High School.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, and, finally, you become a baby;

The last step, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with
luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger
quarters everyday, and then...

You finish off as an orgasm!

 

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A*B*C*D of Friendship




A*B*C*D Of Friendship


A Friend .........




A-Accepts you as you are.
B-Believes in you.
C-Calls you just to say "hi."
D-Doesn't give up on you.
E-Envisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts).

F-Forgives your mistakes.
G-Gives unconditionally.
H-Helps you.
I-Invites you over.
J-Just likes being with you.

K-Keeps you close at heart.
L-Loves you for who you are.
M-Makes a difference in your life.
N-Never judges you.
O-Offers support.

P-Picks you up.
Q-Quiets your fears.
R-Raises your spirits.
S-Says nice things about you.
T-Tells you the truth when you need to hear it.

U-Understands you.
V-Values you.
W-Walks beside you.
X-X-plains things you don't understand.
Y-Yells when you won't listen.
Z-Zaps you back to reality.

 

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Jokes on women

Sunday





Q.How can a woman tell if she is flat chested?
A.When she looks down her dress and the two bumps she sees are her
knees.




Q.Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A.When they come they are wet and wild,but when they go they take your
house and car with them.




Q.Why can't you trust a woman?
A.How can you trust someone that bleeds for five days and still
doesn't die.



Q.What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A.You can unscrew a light bulb.




Q.Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A.They can't stand seeing a man having a good time.



Q.How to make your wife scream for an hour after sex?
A.Wipe your d**k on the curtains




Q.Why do men die before their wives?
A.They want to.




Q.What are the small bumps around a woman's ******s for?
A.Its a Braille for "s@ck here".




Q.why did God give men *****es?
A.So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up

 

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Water or Coke?

Tuesday







WATER

#1. 75% of people are chronically dehydrated.


#2. In 37% of people, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is mistaken for hunger.

#3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.



#4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of dieters


#5. Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.


#6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.


#7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.


#8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%., and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer. Are you drinking the amount of water you should drink every day?





COKE

#1. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.


#2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days.


#3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour,
then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.


#4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of aluminum foil dipped inCoca-Cola.



#5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubbleaway the corrosion.


#6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.


#7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake.
Thirty minutes before ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.


#8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke into the load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.


FOR YOUR INFORMATION:

#1. the active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It will dissolve a nail in about four days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase of osteoporosis.

#2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial trucks must use a hazardous Material place cards reserved for highly corrosive materials.

#3. The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean engines of the trucks for about 20 years!

Now the question is, would you like a glass of water? or Coke?

 

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