How to stop junk calls




10 ways to stop those credit card sales, holiday promotions , insurance calls etc…

1) After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.

2) Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.

3) Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

4) Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

5) Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child.

6) Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up...louder...louder...louder!

7) Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down.

8) If they start out with, "How are you today?",say "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems............"

9) Cry out in surprise, "Chee Bye, is that you? I've been hoping you'd call! How is the family?" When they insist they are not Chee Bye, tell them to stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is really MALE.

10) Tell the telemarketer to call on your office number - and give him the Crime Prevention call center number.

 

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How old am I?




A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32", the clerk replies.

"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later, she goes into McDonald's, and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman, and she finally said, "What the hell, go ahead."

The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes, she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?"

He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."

Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing! How did you know?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

 

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Visa Interview





An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy for a visa

Consul : What is your name?

Arab : Abdul Aziz

Consul : Sex?

Arab : Six to ten times a week

Consul : I mean, male or female?

Arab : Both male and female and sometimes even camels

Consul : Holy cow!

Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!

Consul : Man,........ isn't it hostile?

Arab : Horse style, dog style, any style

Consul : Oh.......... dear!

Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast!

 

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World's economies explained with 2 cows





SOCIALISM:
You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you
some milk.


FASCISM:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you
some milk.

NAZISM:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the
other, then throws the milk away…

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block
the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the
size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market
it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100
years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the
owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest
the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION:
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you
have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the shit out of you and invade
your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a
Democracy….

SURREALISM:
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

HONG KONG CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank.
Then you execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping 5 cows.
The milk rights of 6 cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder.
He sells the rights to all 7 cows’ milk back to the listed company, and proceeds from the sale are deferred. The annual report says that the company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more.
Meanwhile, you kill the 2 cows because the feng shui is bad.

NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

SINGAPOREAN CIVIL SERVICE
You have two cows. You scold each one everyday before and after milking.
You teach one of them to scol the other.
You instruct them to moo only on command.

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate

 

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Before & After Marriage



Before the marriage:

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?

Now after the marriage you can read it from bottom to the top !!!!

 

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Eyesight Myth




But knowing how to take good care of your eyes is the first step to protecting your sight for a lifetime. So here’s the lowdown on some eyesight myths:

Myth #1: “Sitting too close to the TV will damage your vision.”

There is no evidence that sitting close to the television will damage your eyes. So sit wherever you are most comfortable. Eyes may become tired from sitting too close for long periods, if the light in the room is too dim, or if the picture screen is out of focus.

Myth #2: “Reading in the dark will weaken your eyesight”

As with sitting too close to the television, reading in dim light can cause eye fatigue, but it is not harmful and cannot damage your vision.

Myth #3: “Some eye exercises can improve your vision.”

Being alive and looking around at your world is all that is necessary to keep your muscles “toned.” Any extra effort is a waste of time and has no benefit. This myth has made many people wealthy, but rolling your eyes around has no effect on your vision.

Myth #4: “You can wear your eyes out by using them too much.”

Eyes are not like light bulbs. So you cannot wear your eyes out by using them. In fact they can last your entire lifetime if they are healthy. Cutting down on reading or close work, will not help or harm your eyesight.

Myth #5: “”Vision improves in older people as they gain second sight.”

“Second sight” refers to the ability of a person to see better, usually up-close, as they age. The reason for this “improved” vision is that the lens power changes due to increasing cataract. So actually second sight is due to the cataract having advanced.

Myth #6: “Too much sex, especially masturbation, can make you go blind.”

No, there is no way that this ridiculous myth can be true. Syphilis, a sexually transmitted disease, if left untreated can lead to blindness, dementia and death. This is where this myth came from.

Myth #7: “Wearing poorly fit glasses damages your eyes.”

In fact what is required for good vision is the right eyeglass prescription. Poor fitting glasses do not damage your eyes.

Myth #8: “Blind people have a sixth sense or extra ordinary talents.”

Most People with (20/20) vision do not pay much attention to their other senses. Blind people have worked hard to develop their other senses to compensate for their vision loss. There is no sixth sense. Just hard work and practice.

Myth #9: “There is no need to have your vision checked before you turn 40.”

Everyone should follow a proper eye health program that includes a regular eye exam, whether or not they’re having any noticeable signs of problems. There are treatable eye diseases; glaucoma is one of them, which can show up before you turn 40.

Myth #10: “Doctors can transplant eyes.”

It is not possible to transplant a whole eye. The eye is connected to the brain by a small nerve called the optic nerve. If this nerve is cut it cannot be reconnected, making it impossible to remove the eye and replace it with another one. When doctors figure out how to transplant the brain, they will be able to transplant the eye.

Myth #11: “Scientists have created a Bionic Eye.”

Researchers have been working on a microchip to replace damaged retina cells in a person’s central vision. Other scientists have been trying to figure out a way to connect a camera directly to the brain. The eye and the brain do not work the same way a camera and computer do. Even after someone figures out how to make a bionic eye, they still have to figure out how to connect it to the neural circuitry of the brain. What they have created so far is a crude form of vision consisting of several dots of light.

Myth #12: “It is not harmful to look at the sun if you squint or use dark glasses.”

The sun’s ultra-violet light will still get to your eyes, damaging the cornea, lens and retina. So looking at the sun may not only cause headache and distort your vision temporarily, but it can also cause permanent eye damage. Never look directly at a solar eclipse. The direct light from the sun can blind a person in less than a minute.

Myth #13: “There is nothing you can do to prevent vision loss”

Regular eye exams and proper safety eyewear can save your sight. Also at the very first signs of vision loss, such as blurred vision or flashes of light, you should see your doctor. If detected early enough, depending on the cause, there are treatments that can correct, stop, or slow down the loss of vision.

Myth #14: “Although eyeglasses makes you see better, they make vision get worse over time.”

Wearing eyeglasses will never make your eyes worse. Before you start wearing glasses, you are accustomed to seeing a blurry world around you. Since this is all you have ever seen, you accept it as normal. When your vision is corrected with eyeglasses you start seeing a clear world. Now when you remove your eyeglasses after wearing them for several months, you are presented with the same blurry world as before. You feel you were able to get around without wearing glasses before but now when you remove glasses you see all blurry and cannot get around. In reality it’s your perception that has changed.

Myth #15: “Eating carrots will improve your vision.”

While it is true that carrots are high in Vitamin A, which is an essential vitamin for sight, only a small amount is necessary for good vision. In fact, eating large amounts of Vitamin A or other vitamins can be very harmful.

 

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