How to raise a child?

So for those of you who are raising children and have absolutely no idea how to do so, I hereby offer you a quick tip sheet of handy parenting advice. I hope you'll find this information as useful as I have...


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1) Always store the baby in a cool dry place. If you're going to keep your newborn in a closet, be sure to include some cedar wood chips. Not only will this prevent moths from attacking your baby, it will get the baby's wrinkles out faster.

2) At a very young age, you should tattoo your phone number on the baby's foot. This way, if you lose your baby when you're out clubbing, people will know how to reach you.

3) Teething is a very painful process for young infants. Bubble gum is an excellent remedy.

4)Baby carriers are very expensive. Personally, we use a Baby Bjorn. However, if you want to save some money, you can just use a regular backpack. Just be sure to poke some holes in the backpack before putting your baby in there.

5) Newborns tend to sleep. A lot. However, too much sleep can be a bad thing. If your baby is sleeping more than 48 hours solid, you should probably call your pediatrician.
Babies drool and spit up a lot. If you want to keep them from staining your suit or all your tailored shirts, put little cotton balls in their mouth when you burp them. Don't worry. They can still breathe. That's what nostrils are there for.

6) Babies need to be washed a lot. Some people even wash their babies every two weeks! Learn to multi-task. If you're washing your car, put a snorkel on your baby's head. Then, you can just hose the baby down at the same time. Also, if you have cats, cover your baby in catnip. The kitties will lick your baby clean in no time!

7) The best way to tell if your baby needs a new diaper is to throw it up against the wall. If it sticks, change the diaper. If not, you're good to go for at least another few days!

 

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