The Eight Qualities Of A Perfect Husband

The Eight Qualities Of A Perfect Husband


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Financial Crisis Jokes

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Financial Crisis Jokes

1) If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year
ago, you would have $49 left. With Fannie Mae, you would have
$2.50 left of the original $1,000. With AIG, you would have less
than $15 left. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer
one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for
the aluminium recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash. Based
on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink
heavily and recycle.

2) What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.

3) Q: Why are all MBAs going back to school?
A: To ask for their money back.

4) I had a cheque returned earlier. "Insufficient Funds" Mine or the banks?

5) Masked man holding a bank cashier up with a gun. Says: 'I don't want any money - I just want you to start lending to each other...

6) How do you define optimism?
A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.

7) What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

8) Resolving to surprise her husband, an investment banker's wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair!"

9) What have Icelandic banks and an Icelandic streaker got in common? They both have frozen assets

10) What's the difference between Investment Bankers and London Pigeons?
The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW's

11) Quote of the day (from a trader):

"This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."



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Like Father like Son

It is better for father to raise their kids ?
Look !! This is what will happened

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Change and Fairness

Note To Employees:

As of November 5, 2008, when President Obama officially becomes president-elect, our company will instill a few new policies which are in keeping with his new, inspiring issues of change and fairness:

1. All salespeople will be pooling their sales and bonuses into a common pool that will be divided equally between all of you. This will serve to give those of you who are under-achieving a 'fair shake'.

2. All low level workers will be pooling their wages, including overtime, into a common pool, dividing it equally amongst you. This will help those who are 'too busy for overtime' to reap the rewards from those who have more spare time and can work extra hours.

3. All top management will now be referred to as 'the government.' We will not participate in this 'pooling' experience because the law doesn't apply to us.

4. The 'government' will give eloquent speeches to all employees every week, encouraging its workers to continue to work hard 'for the good of all'.

5. The employees will be thrilled with these new policies because it's 'good to spread the wealth around'. Those of you who have underachieved will finally get an opportunity; those of you who have worked hard and had success will feel more 'patriotic'.

6. The last few people who were hired should clean out their desks. Don't feel bad, though, because President Obama will give you free healthcare, free handouts, free oil for heating your home, free food stamps, and he'll let you stay in your home for as long as you want even if you can't pay your mortgage. If you appeal directly to our Democrat Congress, you might even get a free flat screen TV and a coupon for free haircuts (shouldn't all Americans be entitled to nice looking hair?)!!!

If for any reason you are not happy with the new policies, you may want to rethink your vote on November 4th.



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Becoming A Real Man


A new two-year degree is being offered at the Australian University that many of you should be interested in:
Becoming a Real Man. That’s right, in just six mini-semesters, you, too, can be a
real man as well as earn an MA degree. (Male Arts)
Please take a moment to look over the program outline.


Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101: Combating Stupidity
MEN 102: You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103: PMS-Learn To Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104: We Do Not Want Sleazy Under Things for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 110: Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111: Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
MEN 112: Parenting: It Doesn’t End with Conception
EAT 100: Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101: Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A: What’s Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120: How NOT to Act like an arse when you’re Wrong
MEN 121: Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122: YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123: Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C: What Was Yours is Hers


Autumn Schedule:
SE#X 101: You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SE#X 102: Morning Dilemma: If It’s Awake, Take a Shower
SE#X 103: How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201: How To Put the Toilet Seat Down

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Free Remote Control will be given

Winter Schedule:
MEN 210: The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211: How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212: You, Too, Can be a Designated Driver
MEN 213: Honest, You Don’t Look Like Brad Pitt
MEN 230A: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important

Spring Schedule:
MEN 220: Omitting %&*!@ from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221: Fluffing the Blanket after Farting Is NOT Necessary
MEN 222: Real Men Ask For Directions
MEN 223: Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important II Course Electives:
EAT 102: Cooking with Tofu
EAT 103: Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103: Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231: Mothers-In-Law
MEN 232: Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233: Just Say “Yes, Dear”
ECON 001C: Cheaper to Keep Her

Just a thought for all the women out there.

1 MENtal Illness
2 MENstrual cramps
3 MENtal breakdown
4 MENopause
5 GUYnocologist (poetic spelling)
Ever notice how all of women’s problems start with men?



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How to become a Millionaire?

Invest money now and we'll help make you a millionaire !!
If you leave your money to grow for a long time, $100 can turn into a million dollars. No, seriously. How?

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Secrets to a Long & Happy Marriage!!!

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10. Always admit my wife is right and I am wrong and don't argue with her

9. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesday's, I go Friday's.

8. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Penang and mine is in Kuala Lumpur.

7. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

6. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

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5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

4. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

3. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now.

2. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

and last but not least...

1. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off!



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Funny Michigan License Plate

A recent graduate of The Ohio State University moved to Great Lakes, Michigan when she landed a great job with a company located there. After becoming a citizen of Michigan, she felt almost as if she had betrayed her Ohio background and ancestry. She had an apartment with a Michigan address, and she winced whenever she looked at her Michigan driver’s license. When it came time to register her vehicle she had an idea. She’d get personalized plates and make things right.

The personalized license plate for her car arrived, and she beamed as she installed them. She was so proud she sent an instant message to her father right away. He too was a proud Ohio State alumnus.

‘Daddy,’ she typed. ‘I’m so excited! I got new, personalized plates for my car today. They’re Michigan plates!’

‘WHAT?’ he replied. ‘You have to be joking!’

‘Nope, I’m totally serious. Let me send you the image.’ Her father couldn’t stop laughing after he viewed the picture of her car.

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Prison vs. full-time job and housewives

Prison vs. full-time job

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Prison life versus a full-time job

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.

At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.

At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.

At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.

At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.

At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet.

At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.

At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.

At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.

At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.

At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.

At work we have managers.

Prison Versus Housewives

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In prison, you get three square meals a day.

At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.

In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.

At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation.

In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even.

At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.

In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.

At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.

In prison, all your medical care is free.

At home, you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.

In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.

At home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

In prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day.

At home, you get to clean your space and everyone else's space, too, and what the heck is free time again?

In prison, you get your own personal toilet.

At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you're done so you can do something for them.

In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.

At home, you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean.

In prison, they take you everywhere you need to go.

At home, you take everybody else where they need to go.

In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing.

At home, you have to lug around everybody else's stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.

In prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't.

At home....stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?



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In Flight Safety Lecture

Here are some examples of airline attendants that told in the in-flight safety lecture (They are real)

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom,
"This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask,and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."



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New stock market terms

A bear market describes a financial environment where there is widespread pessimism. A bear market is when things aren't going well in the financial markets and people don't feel positive about the immediate future. I have no idea why they call it a bear market, and frankly the bull market reasoning is dumb too.

New stock market terms:

CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO-- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use



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Fake euro notes to warn sex workers in Ukraine

The images, which are otherwise almost indistinguishable from the genuine notes, have been produced as part of a campaign to prevent women from the former Soviet state from seeking to work illegally in the EU.

They show underdressed women – obviously prostitutes – leaning against the grand examples of European architecture that have been printed on the currency's bills since its launch in 2002.

Messages warning about the real price of seeking black market employment abroad are printed across the top of the “fake” notes.

Sex trafficking is a serious problem in the Ukraine. Last year the International Organization for Migration estimated that 117,000 Ukrainians had been forced into prostitution or indentured labour abroad since 1991, more than any other Eastern European country.

Women who are trafficked abroad illegally are particularly vulnerable to exploitation, with the criminal gangs who arrange their transport often refusing to return their passports.

Prostitution is widespread in the Ukraine, which is home to more than 12,000 sex workers. The rise of sex tourism, fuelled by wealthy visitors from the US and the EU, sparked demonstrations from students in the capital Kiev this summer.



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House divided into two parts

A couple in Prey Veng province Cambodia has simplified the messy legal task of divorce by literally sawing their house in two, according to local officials.
The house, situated in Cheach commune, Kamchay Mea district, was divided into two parts on Thursday after the couple who owned the property decided to separate following an argument.

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'They agreed to split the house into two parts. The part that belongs to the husband has been removed, but the one that belongs to the wife is standing upright there. She stays there during the daytime'

Cheach commune chief Vorng Morn said the couple did not separate over anything "big", only the small problem of the husband feeling his wife had not cared for him when he became ill.
"His wife said that if her husband got sick and stayed at home, she was made to pay for his medicine, but if he stayed at his parent's house, she wouldn't have to pay. So they separated," he said.

"We tried to persuade them to think clearly before they did this because they had been married for nearly 40 years," Vorng Morn added. "But they did not listen."
The couple also decided to divide their land into four parts; two for their son and daughter, and two for them.



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Coca-Cola Kill Sperm

A researcher who figured out that Coke explodes sperm and scientists who discovered that people will happily eat stale chips if they crunch loudly enough won alternative "Ig Nobel" prizes Thursday.
Other winners included physicists who found out that anything that can tangle, will tangle and a team of biologists who ascertained that dog fleas jump farther than cat fleas.

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The Ig Nobels honor real research, but are meant as a funny alternative to next week's deadly serious Nobel prizes for medicine, chemistry, physics, economics, literature and peace.
Awarded by the editors of the Annals of Improbable Research, a scientific humor magazine, the prizes are based on published research, some intended to be humorous but often not. Usually the "honored" researchers go along with the joke.

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Coca-Cola Contraceptive Tops 'Ig Nobel' Prizes

Deborah Anderson of Boston University Medical Center and colleagues were awarded the chemistry prize for a 1985 study published in the New England Journal of Medicine that found Coca-Cola kills sperm.
She said she was serious in testing the soft drink because women were using it in a douche as a contraceptive and, later, to try to protect themselves from the AIDS virus.
"It definitely wouldn't work as a contraceptive because sperm swims so fast," Anderson said. But Coke made with sugar quickly kills sperm, she said, probably because sperm soak it up. "The sperm just kind of explode," she said in a telephone interview.
It kills the AIDS virus too, she said.



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Young Designer Fashion 2008

Do you girls like this fashion?
I am sure you have something to say!!

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Famous Celebrity showing up hairy

Are these famous celebs purposefully showing up hairy, or was it accidental? You decide.
Armpit hair is a part of all of our lives, however annoying it may be. Most of us choose to get rid of it by regularly shaving our underarms, but, you know, sometimes we forget.

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Betel Nut Girls

Betel nut beauties or betel nut girls are a common sight along the roadsides in Taiwan. Some people regard their presence as an outrage while others think they are a unique and colourful part of life in Taiwan. The girls can be seen in sitting in large glass-walled booths on the sides of the road. They are usually busy counting betel nuts or else sitting there looking very bored.

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Customers stop while driving past and the girls run out to sell them bags of betel nuts. The girls also sell drinks and cigarettes. The main clientele is composed of truck drivers who chew the mildly addictive nuts for the stimulant to help them stay awake on long trips.
As of 2008, although betel nut beauties still exist, they are more modestly dressed than they were in previous years.”

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Betel nut is also known as areca nut. It is the seed of the betel palm (Areca catechu). Betel chewing is common in many parts of Asia, although the exact methods and preparations vary. The nut is usually wrapped in a betel leaf. This leaf comes from the betel pepper plant, which is not related to the betel palm. Lime is also often added. The nut is a mild stimulant. Chewing is addictive and can cause mouth cancer.

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Betel nut is Taiwan's second largest agricultural crop. Betel nut plantations dominate the landscape in parts of Central and Southern Taiwan. While betel nut girls are a source of controversy and interest the environmental and health impacts of betel nut are in reality more serious concerns.

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Malaysian Boleh Jokes in Malay

How are you going to tell the taxi driver???

Ada ke Jalan nama nii..??

Driver : Nak ke mana cik?

Penumpang : Saya nak ke Bandar Sunway. Dekat jer, rumah saya kat Jalan
Puki Mak U Lah...

Driver : Cik, Kita in orang Melayu. Tak boleh ke gunakan bahasa
yang lebih sopan.

Penumpang : Nak sopan macamana bang. Dah memang itu nama jalannya.

Driver : %$#@&*!!@#$%$#@*&^


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You Won't Believe What $700 Billion Buys!

We all know that $700 billion--the amount of the proposed federal bailout of Wall Street and Main Street--is a heck of a lot of money. But it's so much money that it's basically impossible to wrap your brain around it. TIME magazine and The Associated Press went on an imaginary spending spree and this is what they report we could buy with that amount.

What you could buy with $700,000,000,000:

--Purchase every NFL, NBA and MLB team, build each one a new stadium and pay each player a salary of $191 million for a year.
--Buy gasoline for every car in the United States for 16 months.
--Give every person in the United States $2,300 or give every household $6,200.
--Every deficient bridge in the United States could be repaired--four times over.
--You could build 1,750 bridges to nowhere.
--You could start your own country. $700 billion is roughly equal to the economy in The Netherlands.
--You could finance the National Institutes of Health, the nation's premier medical research institute, for 20 years.
--You could pay the salaries of 22 million average Americans for one year.
--For one year, you could pay the health care bills of the more than 85 million seniors, disabled people, children and low-income Americans enrolled in Medicare and Medicaid.
--You could pay off all the outstanding student loans in the United States (from both government and private lenders) and still have $150 billion to give to current college students.
--You could pay off 7 percent of the $9.8 trillion (and growing) national debt.



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Weird hobbies land man in trouble

A 51-year-old japanese man has been arrested for allegedly using a fishing rod to steal women’s underwear. Police said Tuesday that Akira Hino was arrested last week for stealing a pair of panties from a clothesline on a second-floor balcony.

Police said he used a 3-meter rod and caught the underwear on a hook. He was spotted by a resident who called police. Officers found more than 500 pairs of women’s underwear inside his apartment. He reportedly told investigators he had got into the habit of stealing undergarments when he was 18.



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